"….because I can relate to this….i will offer you this insight into myself and others who operate this way. There is a fundamental and entrenched narrative (for me) that will likely never leave”, but can be handled any time I choose. The narrative is…..”I am alone and I can only rely on myself”, or….”no one but me can do this the way I want it”. It works in the way of self-reliance, self sufficiency, power, strength and effectiveness. But…..when we need connection and trust in others to show up for us….a different narrative might work and may sound like…..”I know myself to be someone who can handle anything (on my own)….but I also know myself to be someone who revels in connection and community”. When I need to do it on my own….this old narrative has supported me and served me….but when I need connection…..the new narrative is needed. Perhaps its not an either/or, but a “what do I need right now?”
This was a reply I sent to a message posted in one of my communities from a fellow “self-developer”, an amazingly ambitious, brilliant, loving, and kind young woman in her late 20’s. I call her a fellow “self developer”, because we met at an Emotional Intelligence/Leadership Training Program in Philadelphia. Had it not been for that course, our lives may have never intersected. She explained that she had been feeling a bit like a lone wolf, because her “normal inner support system has been dealing with other things in their lives and we haven’t been as connected.” The people in her life, on whom she relies for support, were not available to her. She goes on to say….”AND it has nothing to do with me as a person or my ability to be a leader in all that I’m up to. My ability to shift and handle breakdowns has definitely increased, and there’s nothing really *wrong*, I just feel off and a bit disconnected.” How often have any of us felt that at one point or another in our lives? She further and at last offers…..”The hard truth is that I get to really and truly lean into myself, to create what I want to create and create other connections. Actually open up and not just in an environment where it’s safe”. Every one has their own hard truth…..and this was hers, at this particular time. She shared it to our community, a community of 36 people who had shared 6 months of their most intimate lives, where they took a good hard look at themselves, and how to shift their mindset and their actions, to align with the vision of their Best Lives. With this share, a conversation ensued involving this wonderful community for a few days following. For those of us who enjoy time on our own, who enjoy our own company, and in fact may need it to keep ourselves centred, living in our truth, in order to give of our time, whole and fully……it is an imperative that we become comfortable with this part of ourselves. We lose no one who see’s our true gifts, who witnesses our core goodness, who experiences us as precious and sacred in their lives. By fully accepting this part and any part of ourselves we wish to keep in the shadows….we enable a full life, a meaningful and purposeful life that opens its arms to all that we are. We live a life that has meaning because it is a life where we no longer need to deny anything about ourselves, nor deny anything to ourselves. There is a saying “we are only as needy, as our unmet needs”. What this means to say is…. we are only as hungry as the extent to which we deny ourselves food. (And one must keep in mind what food will feed our particular need/desire). Our needs will always let themselves be known…… in our life dissatisfaction, our complaints, our anger, disappointments and hurts, and in our search to meet those needs through addiction and the like. We are always striving to be whole and complete…..and all of the above expressions are signaling flags, at times small and at times enormous, waving to get attention. Your lovely attention. Balancing those needs, and specifically to this topic, the need to be connected and supported…..with the need to be individuated (grown up), independent, and self reliant….helps us stay centered in our truth and help us create connections that support this truth. Essentially…..we are surrounded by a life that supports and nourishes our core. Here’s to your truth, whatever that looks like. In full support of your authentic gifts, your deep core truth…….. With love and admiration,
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Living in the moment. Mindfulness. Presence.
How many times have you heard these concepts over the past year or two? I know I hear them almost daily….whether in the context of a conversation with a friend, a client, or meditation. Day 6 of Oprah and Deepak’s current Free 21 Day Meditation….speaks of just that. Over 20 minutes of a “sermon” of sorts and then meditation…..focuses on bringing us back to our bodies, to the moment, to all the infinitesimal “goings-on” that happen in every moment……that we miss. Oprah speaks of a mentor who told her this: If you miss the look in your child’s eye one day…you’ve missed it. If you miss the look in your lover’s eye the next day….you’ve missed it. If you miss the beauty of sitting under the trees, you’ve missed that too. If you add that up over many moments, and then many days and years…you may wind up missing the most important aspects of your own life. How profound this really is when we look back at the things we missed in life. How beautiful and wise of a lesson to take with us moving forward into our day, our week and life as a whole. Deepak says, “Ask yourself who is listening to the words being said right now? Present awareness is listening, it’s that simple. Meditation opens the way to experience present awareness without outside distractions. It also takes us outside the ego and it’s constant need for attention. When present moment awareness has no demands upon it….you experience first hand, how natural and easy it is. As our meditation practice grows, it becomes just as natural and easy to be present in daily activity. Only when you feel perfectly peaceful and at home in yourself, does the present moment begin to unfold as the lasting source of fulfillment. A state of awareness where you need nothing outside yourself. The here and now is enough.” Phew…..that’s a lot and soooo powerful. I spoke with my sister just a few days ago…..and she told me about her intention to slow life down one day. She went shopping for groceries and was looking for beets. She noticed a male employee…..specifically, one of the many employees we may not even notice stacking the vegetables………who may be in our way, may be feet away from us.. She asked him for what she was looking for, and he looked around. He looked everywhere, and not finding it on display, he went to the back of the store and still did not find them. She thanked him and went off to look for something else. She then went back to him to ask another question, and again, his efforts were above and beyond. He gave her the answer and they again acknowledged one another and parted ways. My sister continued her shopping and ten minutes later, he appeared in one of the many rows with the beets she was looking for. My sister, touched by this man’s attention to her needs, his mindfulness of her request, his being in the moment, lovingly thanked him, and she was gifted with the lesson of living in the moment for the rest of the week. Someone she, or any of us, may not give much mind to…..gifted her with an important lesson……connection, gratitude, a noticing of the existence of another, understanding the significance of every human life, seeing what unfolds when living in the moment, noticing our needs are met through living in the moment. Like Deepak said……..”The here and now is enough”. This is a post on facebook that a client (in couples counselling) shared with me following her appointment with her fiancé. We had a breakthrough session, where their individual truths were expressed, tears were shed and healing strides were made. Both clients are loving, caring, kind, good people who found each other following painful separations..... and for the most part, do really well together. But when they hit their walls.....communication suffers, distance is created...and tsunami like feelings of hurt, abandonment, fear, anxiety, annihilation.....cause them to relate in ways they would never readily see as possible in themselves. She came from a home where her parents were largely absent, a father working long hours and a mother with a gambling addiction that left the client at home alone at night. He came from parents with a highly conflictual relationship ending in divorce, where his deep feelings were unheard and unacknowledged, and left alone to navigate the - at times - terrifying territory. They are presenting each other with their walls....he shutting down when her anxiety surrounding connection comes up, and she...focusing on where he is “not enough” in her attempt to reign him in closer. The above post however is not only what happens in relationships to another, but also in relationship to ourselves. The little child in the cage of the adult can be begging to be heard by the adult in us. That child may just want to play, to connect, to forgive and play again, be understood or acknowledged....she or he may even want the freedom to cry and scream at will...to have time slow down....see and be touched by wonder or magic.... But the more tightly woven that cage, each wire within an opinion, a limiting belief or judgement about ourselves...the less likely we will be able to live lives that express the needs of the child as well as the adult, the needs adult as well as the child. If you are in conflict with yourself, and you are unwilling to forgive yourself enough to live life freely, from a place of trust, love, compassion and faith in yourself and the goodness available to you in the world...then perhaps it is time, perhaps it is a calling for you to restore these fundamental needs to your freedom, happiness and peace of mind. Perhaps it is time to loosen the weave of that cage you have woven so tightly in an effort to protect the innocence, the naivite, the unguardedly playful, the vulnerable and trusting...the part of you that can easily be moved and touched by the wonder, kindness and generosity this world has to offer you. If you want to explore this conflict, the one that prevents you from opening up to the life you want to manifest.....then I invite you to set up a 20 minute call to discuss what is available for you and how you can manifest it. In the meantime, notice what these two parts are asking for, and listen. They will tell you. |
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