<![CDATA[LILLIAN BENRUBI PSYCHOTHERAPY MSW, RSW - Newsletter]]>Wed, 06 May 2026 07:37:44 -0400Weebly<![CDATA[Could You Have Been a Butterfly All Along?]]>Fri, 07 Nov 2025 01:02:23 GMThttps://www.lbenrubipsychotherapy.com/newsletter/could-you-have-been-a-butterfly-all-along
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Did you know it is physically impossible for a butterfly to see its own wings? Did you also know that the wings of a butterfly are considered to be one of the most beautiful of nature’s creations?  They can’t see how beautiful they are.  But everyone else can…I feel like people can be the same way. -DW

Have you noticed that the last generation or two have been seekers — searching for a deeper sense of emotional maturity and intelligence, hoping to emerge from the unconscious cocoon of repeating ancestral patterns? We are a generation full of questions — perhaps more than any before us — which may be why it sometimes seems that so many people feel lost, wandering in search of who they truly are and what genuinely matters to them.

What we often don’t realize, while we’re searching, is that we are already the butterfly. The moment we can step outside the stories that shaped us — those passed down by family and culture — we begin to see the intricate beauty of our own wings.  Each pattern, each mark, has been uniquely designed to support our purpose. And what is the purpose of wings?  To fly.  To move freely — from where we are to where we choose to go.  With perspective, we can finally recognize our own wings and use them with intention.

Freedom is not the absence of limits, but the presence of awareness — a state that brings peace of mind, clarity, joy, empowerment, trust, connection, and a deep belief in ourselves and others.

Psychotherapy is one of the ways we learn to discover these wings. Through the process of untangling from the inherited stories that once defined us, we begin to live from choice rather than conditioning. Some stories we’ll keep and honour; others we’ll lovingly release. The difference, now, is that we choose.

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BOOK REVIEW
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Have you felt lonely since childhood?  Perhaps you've had - or currently have - people around you who love you, tell you they love you, and support you, and yet you still feel lonely.  This book explores why that might be so.   

​Across cultures, myths and fairy tales often tell the story of an abandoned child who must find their own path. Along the way, they are guided by animals or mythological figures and, in a relatively short story, arrive healed, happy and surrounded by love and beauty.  Of course, life isn't a fairy tale.  The journey takes time, filled with struggle, persistence, and incremental victories. 

Fairy tales may simplify the process, but the underlying truth of transformation remains:  its's possible to emerge whole.  Emotional maturity - the foundation for emotional intelligence - requires certain conditions to be in place.  One of these is the generational context: parents, grandparents, and ancestors who had the benefit of emotional maturity themselves.

Historically, emotional maturity wasn't always necessary for survival, so it's understandable that it wasn't always cultivated.  Generational trauma and inherited pattersn are part of this reality.  But here's the critical point:  blame is not necessary for healing.  In fact, blame can keep us trapped as victims of circumstance.  If we view our parents as responsible for our current emotional state, it can feel as though they hold all the power - and we have none.  But if we shift from blame to responsibility, we reclaim our power.

Responsibility doesn't mean punishment or guilt - it means taking charge of our own healing.  We may not have recieved the guidance, support, or love we needed as childeren, but now we can provide it for ourselves.  By embracing responsibility, we create a path forward, one that empowers us to shape the trajectory of our lives.

The jorney toward emotional maturity and intelligence is not about assigning fault - it's about reclaiming agency, learning to nurture ourselves, and stepping into the life we choose.

Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents explores how our personal histories shape us, highlights our inherent resilience, and shows how to harness these strengths to create a life of intentional choice.

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]]><![CDATA[EMBRACING PERSONAL RESPONSIBILTY]]>Mon, 08 Sep 2025 20:20:16 GMThttps://www.lbenrubipsychotherapy.com/newsletter/embracing-responsibiltyPicture
As we navigate the twists and turns of life, we often find ourselves at crossroads, where the path ahead is uncertain. Yet, in these moments, we have the power to choose how we respond. We can remain tight in the bud, resisting the flow of inner events, or we can take the leap and bloom into our true potential.

Taking responsibility for our lives involves a journey of self-discovery, where we learn to listen to our inner voice and honour our deepest desires. But what does it really mean to take responsibility for our lives? It means acknowledging that your choices and actions shape your reality. that becoming accountable for your decisions and actions helps you learn from mistakes to make better choices in the future.  You also cultivate self awareness in the process which supports you in making informed decisions that lead to a more authentic life.  Personal growth occurs, as you become open to areas for improvement and work on becoming the best version of yourself.  With self compassion, you are better equipped to handle challenges and setbacks, you are more likely to bounce back quickly from adversity.  Finally, you are left with a sense of freedom, as you gain more control over your life, and beak free from external/imagined expectations and standards, and start to live life on your own terms.  

When we take responsibility for our lives, we experience a profound shift in our sense of empowerment and freedom. We begin to see that we have the power to shape our own destiny, and that our choices can lead to growth, learning, and transformation. We become more resilient, more adaptable, and more confident. We learn to trust ourselves, and to trust the process of life.

As we cultivate self-awareness and self-compassion, we begin to understand that taking responsibility is not about self-blame or self-criticism, but about self-love and self-care. It's about being kind to ourselves, and acknowledging our humanity. It's about embracing our imperfections, and celebrating our successes.

A Meditation for Taking Responsibility
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Find a quiet space, and take a few deep breaths, perhaps placing your hand on your heart.  Imagine yourself standing at a crossroads, with multiple paths unfolding before you. Imagine what those paths are and where they could lead you to.  Perhaps it might sound like freedom, or peace of mind, or a full and juicy life.  What would those lives look like?  Where would you be, with whom would you be?  What life truly reflects who you are, a life where you are seen and is an expression of who you are and what you offer to the world.  Notice which path resonates with you the most, and take a step forward. As you do, feel the weight of responsibility lifting, and the sense of empowerment growing.

Repeat the following phrase to yourself: "I take responsibility for my life, and I trust in my inner guidance." Allow these words to sink deeply into your heart, and feel the sense of freedom and possibility that arises.

May you walk the path of responsibility with courage, compassion, and wisdom. May you blossom into your full potential, and may your life be a reflection of your deepest desires.

Wishing you a week of self-discovery, growth, and empowerment.

If you are still discovering what could be at the end of those paths, and/or which of those paths to choose from, you can reach out to me here to start your journey to this fascinating exploration.  I would be honoured to be a part of your walk to self-discovery.
SCHEDULE AN APPT/CONSULT
]]><![CDATA[what is emdr]]>Sat, 01 Mar 2025 17:06:30 GMThttps://www.lbenrubipsychotherapy.com/newsletter/what-is-emdr
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​EMDR stands for Eye Movement Desensitization and Processing.  It is a structured therapy that encourages the patient to focus briefly on the trauma memory while the therapist guides you through bilateral stimulation (typically eye movements or tones or taps) desensitizing trauma or emotionally charged past experiences, which is associated with a reduction in the vividness and emotion associated with the trauma memories. EMDR therapy is an extensively researched, effective psychotherapy method, is currently one of the most researched methods of contemporary psychotherapy, proven to help people recover from trauma and PTSD symptoms. Diagnostic imaging research has documented positive changes in the brain during these sessions.  Ongoing research supports positive clinical outcomes, showing EMDR therapy as a helpful treatment for anxiety, depression, OCD, chronic pain, addictions, and other distressing life experiences (Maxfield, 2019). EMDR therapy has even been superior to some medications in trauma treatment (Van der Kolk et al., 2007). Shapiro and Forrest (2016) share that EMDR therapists in 130 countries have successfully treated millions.

EMDR is based on a model called the AIP, Adaptive Information Processing Model which posits that the development of symptoms and conditions related to traumatic experiences, such as OCD, anxiety, depression, addictions, etc, are a result of maladaptive encoding,  and incomplete processing of traumatic events.  What this means is your experience(s) has been stored in your brain in such a way that it causes at the very least, discomfort if not suffering.  A combination of our genetic predisposition and our experiences create memory networks that are stored in our minds and bodies.  These memory networks dictate how we experience the world - our relationship to others and ourselves, in the present.  They are the basis of our beliefs, attitudes, and perceptions.  Most memories are stored "functionally" - they help or support us., but intense or traumatic memories tend to be stored without a coherent sense of time.  This can lead us to feel like the past traumatic event is about to happen again at any moment, or is currently happening in the present or is uncomfortably close by.  As a result, you can have strong reactions to  present "stimuli" - feeling triggered, with hyperarousal and/or somatic symptoms (body reactions) because the memory network has not been stored "functionally", in a way that serves you.

​Our brains have a natural way to recover from traumatic memories and events. This process involves communication between the amygdala (the alarm signal for stressful events), the hippocampus (which assists with learning, including memories about safety and danger), and the prefrontal cortex (which analyzes and controls behavior and emotion).While many times traumatic experiences can be managed and resolved spontaneously, they may not be processed without help.
EMDR helps you process the "unprocessed" memory so that you can know and feel that the traumatic event or intense experience is in the past and you are safe in the present.  The triggers of the present no longer have the same emotional charge or effect.  You can react to what is happening "now" instead of having strong reactions due to past events.

Unlike other therapies, EMDR does not ask you to go into the details of the past traumatic event - you do not have to relive it from the present moment, yet EMDR has the impact of releasing the emotional charge connected to it, leaving you empowered, feeling in control, improving the quality of your relationships to others, yourself and the world at large.  Essentially, clients report feeling a sense of freedom and lightness and find themselves more fully engaged in the parts of the world that support them.

what happens when you have experienced trauma

Most of the time your body routinely manages new information and experiences without you being aware of it. However, when something out of the ordinary occurs and you are traumatised by an overwhelming event (e.g. a car accident) or by being repeatedly subjected to distress (e.g. childhood neglect), your natural coping mechanism can become overloaded. This overloading can result in disturbing experiences remaining frozen in your brain or being "unprocessed". Such unprocessed memories and feelings are stored in the limbic system of your brain in a "raw" and emotional form, rather than in a verbal “story” mode. This limbic system maintains traumatic memories in an isolated memory network that is associated with emotions and physical sensations, and which are disconnected from the brain’s cortex where we use language to store memories. The limbic system’s traumatic memories can be continually triggered when you experience events in the present that are similar to the difficult experiences you have been through. Often the memory itself is long forgotten, but the painful feelings such as anxiety, panic, anger or despair are continually triggered in the present. Your ability to live in the present and learn from new experiences can therefore become inhibited. EMDR helps create the connections between your brain’s memory networks, enabling your brain to process the traumatic memory in a very natural and healing way.

WHO CAN BENEFIT FROM EMDR

​EMDR therapy helps children and adults of all ages. Therapists use EMDR therapy to address a wide range of challenges:
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what is an emdr session like

EMDR utilizes the natural healing ability of your body. After a thorough assessment, you will be asked specific questions about a particular disturbing memory. Eye movements, similar to those during REM sleep, will be recreated simply by asking you to watch the therapist's finger moving backwards and forwards across your visual field. Sometimes, a bar of moving lights or headphones is used instead. The eye movements will last for a short while and then stop. You will then be asked to report back on the experiences you have had during each of these sets of eye movements. Experiences during a session may include changes in thoughts, images and feelings. With repeated sets of eye movements, the memory tends to change in such a way that it loses its painful intensity and simply becomes a neutral memory of an event in the past. Other associated memories may also heal at the same time. This linking of related memories can lead to a dramatic and rapid improvement in many aspects of your life.
]]><![CDATA[September is here.....]]>Wed, 04 Sep 2024 19:40:17 GMThttps://www.lbenrubipsychotherapy.com/newsletter/september-is-here<![CDATA[YOU ARE THE BLOSSOMING BUD]]>Tue, 19 May 2020 14:52:22 GMThttps://www.lbenrubipsychotherapy.com/newsletter/you-are-the-blossoming-bud
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And then the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud, was more painful than the risk to bloom.
-Anais Nin
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We all face this turning point repeatedly:  when resisting the flow of inner events suddenly feels more hurtful than leaping toward the unknown.  Yet no one can tell us when to leap.  There is no authority to bless our need to enter life but God within.

​-Mark Nepo
The above quotes, from The Book of Awakening: Having the Life You Want by Being Present to the Life You Have, speaks to the many ways and times throughout our life time, when we have resisted the inner stirrings that lie within.  It could be saying “Go North”, but that might take us too far from the comforts of famiiar people in our lives, it could say SouthWest, but then our employment and financial security is in the North East.  It could even just say take 10 steps in that direction, just taste, dip a toe, but we may fear that we will like it more than the familiar life we have.
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We all have enormous worlds within.  Just lay down for 10 minutes in the course of your day and notice where your mind goes.  Do something that is centering, that brings you back to you, and feel the feelings - perhaps the aches and pains that need tending to, the rumbling in your stomach asking you to nourish it…..the tightness in your shoulders asking to go for that swim that always seems to stretch out the kinks.


I know that life has at times, asked me to be outwardly focused, and then, softened or slowed down just enough to direct me inwardly.  During these times, I tend to have paper and pen with me everywhere I am, or use my Notes App on my phone to document things like complaints, joys, inspiration, wisdom, humorous moments parts of my body needing attention…….whatever shows up, so that I can be present to the inner rumblings.  I will share them with people in my life, and they will give me feedback or simply express what shows up for them in the context of sharing.


In this way, I make alive what would otherwise be silent, missed, unnoticed, hidden behind the curtains of what is visible to others..and myself.   I learn the art of honoring and respecting the “spirit”, the “soul” that lives deeply within, that can easily be ignored, misunderstood and forgotten, should I only give my attention to the tasks, responsibilities, and commitments that, to no end, call me outward.
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I also become much more in tune with and clear about who I am……for myself, others and the world at large.  I hone the skill and develop the practice of valuing myself and my life.  In sharing my inner stirrings with admired and respected friends, there are themes of feedback over a lifetime that confirm who I already know myself to be (and noteworthy, as a young woman who I wanted to be).  I could share them with you here, but this email is more about you, and the life that is yours, a precious unfolding and blooming of who you are in the world.


Mark Nepo asks:


  1. Try to identify what scares you most about being who you are in the world.
  2. As you meditate, imagine the God in you, warming your fears open.
  3. Note what it feels like t have your centre safely exposed, even for a moment.
  4. Without telling anyone, imagine this opening of sometime during your day:  at your desk, on the bus, in line at the supermarket
  5. Note what it feels like to have your centre safely exposed, even for a moment, in the presence of others.
  6. Repeat this meditation whenever you start to feel your sense of things tighten.


The key to this meditation is “safely”…..when you are exposing yourself in this visualization, everything and everyone is safe.  They are kind, generous, understanding, charitable, forgiving and non-judgmental.  They are waiting for you to open up your centre, because they already know that you are good and enough, and want to witness the sparkle that bursts forth.


Like magic to a yummy 5 year old, icing on the already delicious cake, the bernaise sauce to a perfectly cooked steak.


Here is to having a week of self-wonder, self-kindness and magic.
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