 Hi there, Your brain is designed to anticipate the future in the worst possible way. It is not designed to wake up in the morning and say “you are amazing, you are beautiful, you are the best….” At least not without a lot of training and practice. And even then, we will have days where our brain does not want us to get out of bed.  The brain is going to do what it’s going do, think what it’s gonna think, and I could just say “thank you brain for sharing” or “i hear you, but we are going to get up together and walk through our day........ feeling what it feels like to be amazing, beautiful and the best today”. You see, when we focus on on our “being” - who or how we are being in the course of a day, within a particular relationship, or in the world, we now have access to our happiness. Now this isn’t more of the old “law of attraction” approach…..it’s not like “not” taking action and just “being” kind, or generous, or excited will suddenly and miraculously produce what we are looking for. Sitting and meditating on being a millionaire is not going to get us millions without the practices to get there. Being patient, generous, present and joyful will not land us with our soul mate if we are not making ourselves available to the population we want to date. But…..if we are being “excited”, “curious”, appropriately “vulnerable” and “open” to the prospect of dating….then maybe that will propel us, with little effort and expended energy, to take the actions needed to be taken.  Being “inspired” by our emotional state is what gets us moving in the directions we wish to take. So…….if I'm being angry, hurt, cynical and skeptical about the dating world, the outcome will likely be an experience of dating .......that will confirm the beliefs (eg. there are no good women/men out there) that inform the way I am being (skeptical and careful). And here is the next part….our beliefs and being inform our behavior. How excited or exciting do you think the angry, hurt, cynical and skeptical person will be, when out looking to date? What kind of feel will they have to their body language, their facial expressions? So, really, all this to say that we have a brain. We have had this brain since the beginning of time…..the brain that is not designed toward dropping its' guard, and taking on the day without thinking about possible hazards, challenges, demands and potential threats to our safety and security. Have you ever heard the saying “Our brain is Teflon for the positive and Velcro for the negative”? It's just what it's designed to do….but we don’t have to give ALL OF US up to it. There are other parts. The parts that are moved and inspired by a good movie or video, parts that are or have been excited about your life, parts that are wise and know that there is something more or out there for you, parts that can laugh at life or to something funny……We do not have to give our power to this part of our brain and let it run with it.  What would be possible if we stopped trying to change or fix that? Fix that part of ourselves? We’d certainly stop beating our heads against the wall…..cause that’s what we will be doing for the rest of our lives if we try to fix something that has been programmed to protect us from real threat. This is our survival instinct. But since most of us in the first world do not have to deal with issues of “survival”…….ahhhh….we can now relax enough to contemplate growth, thriving, becoming and living into our full potential…….  But we have this part of our brain that has evolved and strengthened over thousands of years and has a voice like a TRAINED TENOR…..a voice that we have been trained to hear quite well…..and trained to give our energy. The tell-tale sign will be how and what your body does..... and how it feels at any given moment, after you give this voice the front row seat to your day. What to do….. Well……the first step to transforming our way of being is to notice it. Create the intention to be aware of this pre-programmed strategy to anticipate the worst…..and listen to it like you would a good friend needing your attention over a cup of coffee, giving it space to be expressed, perhaps even contemplating the possibility that “this” worst could happen. After all…anything could. But then, you wouldn't likely indulge your friend and give her or him all the fine examples in the world, or in her life, to cement this belief. You might gently challenge him a little, providing other evidence, supporting the belief that life has been good to him at times. What works best is when you only challenge these beliefs after you’ve listened to them and given the voice space to speak. And limit its time…..say 10 minutes maximum when it comes to your own voice. If you are finding that this voice still wants to express more…..give it another short time limit AND NEGOTIATE some time to provide it with the hope, inspiration, examples of kindness, accomplishments….acknowledge efforts made in your life to meet challenges........ every day….. This is the practice of self compassion…..of acknowledging your humanity…..that THIS IS what it means to be human……that you ARE doing humanity….. And that there is nothing to fix. Just BE in it, navigating through it, developing muscle, learning more about yourself in the world, unfolding, developing, strengthening. All the best to your day and your week. May it be filled with love and wonder. 
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 Does Self compassion have a place in these times of high anxiety?  Absolutely…….. As you know in your everyday life, you will from time to time be hard on yourself. Or at the very least, forget to be REALLY GOOD to yourself. Its pretty natural, pretty normal……truth is, your next door neighbour, your boss, your cousin, sibling, and even your spiritual mentor will need to have practices in place to keep self-compassion at the forefront…and in effect, reduce or prevent the strategy of anxiety to show up. And during times of high anxiety....we need these practices in place that much more. Strategy? Anxiety is a strategy? You mean it’s not here to torture me? Yes, Anxiety is a biologically, pre-programmed survival strategy. No, it's not here to torture you. We need it. It’s necessary for our survival. It's a great strategy when a car or lion is leaping toward us. The fight, flight, freeze response gets us desired results. It becomes problematic when we think or believe we are in danger or are in survival mode ALL the time. Then all of the mechanisms of our body involved in this strategy, overrun, burnout, have us on edge, in fear, perhaps numb and listless……feeling powerless and helpless.  Furthermore, if we are resisting this strategy, our physical, emotional, and psychological messengers of distress, we add another layer of suffering and pain to the already uncomfortable dis-ease of anxiety. Not like its enough that we are feeling anxious a lot of the time, but now we might make it all wrong, make ourselves wrong, minimize it, distract from it, etc. At different points in our lives, we just want to give up when we don't know how to get out of this vicious feedback loop. Do you ever notice the more you resist something, the more it pushes you to pay attention? Aren't we just amazing mechanisms of resolution? Its in the practice of self-compassion, that the anxiety will soften and calm down. Being kind to oneself is not some gift relegated to a few. As the practice of self-criticism was once learned, self-compassion can and is a learned practice as well. How does it apply here?  Allowing yourself to feel what you feel, to be with it, find ways to soothe that part of yourself……the scared part, the sad or angry part…..whatever part is expressing itself……find ways to soothe it as you would a dear pet, child, or loved one…… it too will calm down, feel protected and taken care of. It is only in the “being with these feelings”, listening to what it's asking for, giving it that which it seeks (soothing), that you will find ground, peace and comfort. How do you figure out what it wants? Imagine a beloved child or pet whimpering for something. They don’t have the language to articulate what they need, and if they did, they don’t really know what they need. What could you offer them? Would it be a hug, a cup of soothing liquid, an activity that they enjoy or gets them into their body and out of their spiraling thoughts? Would you give up in 2, 5, 10 minutes and walk away from them, frustrated that you could not find the solution, or would you persevere and keep trying to find that action that would make a difference? You see {!firstname_fix}, these parts of ourselves often present themselves as the child that wants the "knowing" adult (we all have this adult) to show up. This is how you want to approach your own anxiety. It’s asking you to find the soothing action it needs. It needs to be comforted, seen, heard, to know that you have its back, that it can rely on you to in fact take action, when action is what is needed. Some findings of Self-Compassion research:
 What to do:
Most importantly when you are starting something new and you don't know how: ITS NOT IMPORTANT TO KNOW HOW.......BEFORE YOU DO IT!!! ITS IMPOSSIBLE TO KNOW HOW TO DO SOMETHING NEW........WITHOUT LEARNING HOW TO DO IT. AND DOING IT, NOT GETTING IT RIGHT PERHAPS SEVERAL TIMES, IS PART OF LEARNING. AND LEARNING IS PART OF DOING SOMETHING NEW. IN ESSENCE, NOT KNOWING HOW and NOT GETTING IT RIGHT IS WHATS NEEDED TO LEARN SOMETHING NEW. I hope you give yourself permission to not know what you don't know this week, to be awkward, vulnerable, and kind to yourself if you are afraid, unsure, feeling unsupported or without direction.........and for that matter, wherever you are during this time of your life and this global crisis. I hope you take the time to learn some new strategies that will have you arrive exactly where you want to be when all these unknowns lift. I hope you have a wonderful week......and if you want to explore your situation further, I am just a CLICK away. Till next time and with warmest regards, “What a wonderful time this is!!!!” Crazy??? Perhaps.  While I have no power myself to create the very medicine that would annihilate the Covid19 from existence……what I do have power over…….is making a difference in its spread and longevity. Furthermore, in my day to day life, I have the power to discern between what I expose myself to and surround myself with, that either supports me in CREATING a NEW world, one of MY CHOOSING, or sitting back and being a victim to any existing circumstances. Ahhhhh, this may occur as a harsh message, depending on your interpretation of it, or it may occur as a truth you wish to explore and embrace. And I invite you to consider doing so. Your thoughts, feelings and behaviors can make a huge difference, and perhaps they already are……CHEERS to you if you have found the formula that carries you to the space where you are creating life lasting, connecting relationships, partnerships and impact at this time. BOUNDARIES!! I watched Cable TV last night for the first time in a long time, and could not believe how much of the Covid 19 I was confronted with. Every commercial had something to say. And while I’m a firm believer in “knowledge is power”……sometimes too much can, in fact, contribute to a sense of powerlessness. I paid attention to my body and its response to commercial filled breaks over the course of an enjoyable movie, and if it had an actual voice, it would have said “Enough”!!!! or “Run”!!!! Or perhaps the less civilized part of me would have thrown whatever was closest to me at the TV. My body was agitated,......wanting to push the boundary outward. So, my partner, feeling the same way…..paused the commercials and fast forwarded them to the next segment of the movie. We also don’t listen to the news much…..we pick and choose the media we wish to impact our impressionable minds and hearts, the credible ones that give us a factual measure of what’s happening in the world. As a "Sensitive" of 54 years, I know all too well how my nervous system reacts to UNINVITED and UNWANTED external stimuli. Ive learned from life that I am the gateway to my life experience……the boundaries I put into existence, either protect and nurture the space I wish to live in, or allow trespassers to dump and fester in my front and backyard. CONNECTING!!!! You may have also heard the discussion that this Virus is asking us to connect with what matters to us. What matters to you? Again, your interpretation matters here…..but I bet that when the Covid 19 started to get close to your world…..everything that mattered to you became really FOCUSED on the screen of your life. For some it was employment, for some pregnancy, young children, elderly, their own lives....at one point i became quite saddened for all the people that were passing on from this world.  The pictures (the flowers dropped off by a client, a letter mailed by another) in this email might give you a hint of at least one thing that matters to me…….yes indeed…….Relationships. Not only relationships between me and the people in my life, but the relationship that they have WITH themselves, the relationship that YOU have with yourself. When we respect ourselves, we don’t “take” anything, we “create” everything. The flowers and the card are feedback, feedback to the very things that we choose to do, say and be in this world. Some of this might come naturally, unconsciously……but what if you took on, today, to CONSCIOUSLY look at what you are creating in HOW you are BEING in the world at this time. What have you done that works in the world of having what you want and need? What can you take on as practices or learning that can make a difference in the area of your life that matters to you, but feel powerless to make a difference? Connection plays a huge role in feeling like a being that has the power to make a difference. Who are you connecting to? How often? Are you initiating connection? Are you asking for what you want and need? Or do you assume that your request will be unreasonable, unseen, denied......etc. WHAT WE GIVE OUR ATTENTION!!!! Finally, what we give attention to becomes our reality. There is a lot to choose from in our global community.....if you want peace, tranquility, love, and impact......what are some of the things that you entertain that contribute to this lifestyle? And what are some that shake it up? What can you take your attention away from that might calm your inner and outer world? What can you take your attention to that lights you up, warms your heart, settles your mind.....reminds you that you (and your relationships) matter too? At 5 am this morning, i woke up to the sounds of birds chattering outside my window (and I've been saying for days that I need to secure my window so i don't have to wake up so early). But, in the midst of that lucid state.....I was present to and giving my attention to the people in my life that i love, that bring kindness, generosity and contribution to the world. I became present to how blessed i feel...and this occurred more like a feeling.....to be surrounded by such enormously powerful people that are making a difference in the world. This wasn't always the case for me, i assure you, but through my own work over the years, i get to wake up at 5 am, with a loud and uninvited guest outside my window, but with a warm feeling and a smile on my face. You are hugely powerful. Discover and revel in the magic of what you can create today.....and every day of your beautiful life. Whenever this message finds you, I hope you are well, safe and know that you are always taken care of. With love, IDENTIFY IT/WORK WITH IT/LEAVE IT Lists some of the common characteristics of a toxic relationship, shows you how you might work with it, and perhaps determine that it is not a workable relationship, and then leave it. To download the file, click on the "Download File" hyperlink below. 
 "Because of my religious training.....that i could go to hell if i hurt someone......ive had to shut down this "fiery" part of myself, and when it comes up, i really struggle with it. When i was younger, i found myself saying something to a friend, and their reaction made me afraid, so i just stopped expressing myself. Ive had a person in my life say 'sometimes I am afraid of you', and I don't want that kind of feeling in my relationships', said a client. We all do this at a young age, at a very young age......shut down a part of ourselves or split off into parts....as young as two or three, if the reaction we got from others we depended on for love, acceptance, guidance, care......was one that threatened the possibility of getting our needs met. You see, we are so little and vulnerable in our childhood, and we feel safe and secure when our caregivers, teachers, best friends.....light up when they see us, smile in response to something we said or did, hugged us when we got hurt, guided us when we did something wrong or made a mistake....everything feels ok. It doesn't even occur to you that things could not be ok.  I'd like to draw your attention to the "feels ok" part of the sentence. As children, we are largely "feelers", picking up on the vibes of our environment. Many experiences become body memories. What I mean by this is....the next time we come across a similar experience, our bodies will feel what it felt at the earlier experience. Let me give you an example.....if we lived near an open field, and that was our playground where we played with neighborhood children.....and that playground was a source of fun, connection, laughter, exploration and wonder....our body experience quite likely will be one of calm, excitement, comfort, happiness, ease. But if that playground was a source of bullying, teasing, criticism, our body memory will feel like contraction, sadness, hurt, fear and so on. If we pay enough attention to our bodies, we will hear what stories they carry. Now as an adult, should we be looking to buy a new home and we learn there is an open field across the street, our bodies will first feel, and then our heads will interpret. If we are sensitive, it might affect our mood for the whole day, if not, we will feel the memories for shorter periods of time. Either way, our body will inform us what we continue to carry in terms of our cultural, social, generational and experiential programming. The woman who stated the above wanted a balance between her need to be fully self expressed (she is an artist) and her need to feel safe and secure with others. She believed that SHE was responsible for managing that safety with others. She didn't yet see that their response was an interpretation of their experience of her. "I do A, they get angry, I must stop doing A". THIS IS A CHILD'S CONVERSATION, and understandably so. Our minds are not yet able to process complex formula's around human behavior. My suggestion to this lovely woman, was to look at what being "fiery" could mean to her.  What she discovered was.....passionate, deep feeling, engaging, juicy, connecting, lively emotion. We talked about how this felt to her and she discovered that this felt good. So the feedback that she sometimes received from friends or lovers was a reaction to their emotional response to her "fiery-ness". Again........their reaction was in fact not to her fiery-ness, but to their emotional response to her fiery-ness. In other words, they had a reaction, the belief underlying that reaction might have been that fiery-ness is unsafe, or feels overwhelming emotionally, or is attached to an experience of volatility in another, and her fiery-ness pressed the button that triggers their emotional experience from their past. Another's emotional reaction to who she is.....is not her responsibility....she does not need to be someone else, shut down that expressive part of herself, to protect another from something that is not inherently threatening. Her intention behind her fiery-ness is to engage, connect, live fully, feel fully. In relationship to someone who has historically found this way of being as threatening in some way, just requires her to explain the "intention" behind her way of being, if that relationship matters to her. This also requires that she allow the other to have their reactions, let them come to light, and address them when and if they show up. THS IS AN ADULT CONVERSATION. In the best of circumstances, she gets the experience of being understood and the other gets a new experience of that way of being, and perhaps a healing of past experiences.  There are so many opportunities for all of us to heal if we stop protecting the other from who we are. When we look at these interactions through the lenses of "healing", "growing up" or "maturation", instead of the lenses of "Will I be abandoned, rejected.......", then our shoulders can drop in relaxation, our minds can calm from its reeling over 'what if's".......we can be ourselves, and correct the other if there is a misinterpretation of our behavior. This is ultimately the kind of adult relationships we all want. Ones that give us the benefit of the doubt, that are interested in our intentions, that are strong enough to work through mutual triggers. And our power to make these kinds of relationships possible is to take that first step in being ourselves, helping the other align with our intent, and witnessing their ability to respond in such a way that supports the mutual stand to be all that we are. If you have any questions, about any of this content, or wish to apply this to yourself and relationships, you are most welcome to set up a call by clicking this link, and we can help you create a plan for the kinds of relationships that best support you. With warmth and love,  |
Guide to Self-Mastery
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