 Listening to a meditation today…..on the Energy of Attraction, I heard some wonderfully meaningful messages, not necessarily new, nor unknown. But sometimes hearing it from someone else, or in a voice that resonates, you feel the power of it in a way you never heard before. Is there a voice that settles you, that has you feel calm, grounded in your truth, at peace, in love, loved……who is this voice? Who possesses it? Why do the words that roll off their lips, or inscribe their books, vibrate in alignment with your pulsations? Do you feel safe, coddled….in its presence? Are there sights or memories that have the same effect…. The messages today were…..
And in so many words……. Frustrated desire leads to disappointment, fatigue, apathy, loss of faith in life, powerlessness, a sense of unworthiness, and so on........ Deepak speaks about how some of us feel guilty for wanting what we want, as though we don’t deserve it, should be ashamed of it, who are we to want this, who are we to think that we can get this, what makes us so special…..and…..what is so threatening? Many of us shut down quite quickly after the desire arises, be it for a mate, freedom from employment, selling everything and stepping into the unknown and new…..and for reasons that we don’t often take the time to realize. I have spoken to both men and women in my office about their desires, their dreams and wishes, and tears begin to roll down their faces as they connect to their desires. Often, they will attempt to fluff it off, diminish it into “child’s play”, or begin with a slew of reasons and justifications. This is a much more comfortable place, than it is to sit in desire. Why do we have such a hard time sitting in desire? Sitting in its passions, hunger, vulnerability, and depth? What are we afraid of? For some it is the pain of unrealized dreams, for others……the people they will let down in its pursuit, and yet for others it may be the judgment (fear of alienation and abandonment) they project into their worlds and their future. There are other reasons of course…..each of us know what they are if we sit there long enough. When these men and women trust that they will not lose control over their lives, that they are safe even if only for an hour, to open their inner screen and allow themselves to fully bear witness to their inner truths……they become familiar not only with their desires, but as well, with their conflicting intentions. And with this familiarity comes the deeper knowing of their way, their direction, their answers. Here is a quick example, You desire to find your soul mate. The desire runs deep. You visualize the connection, the closeness, the shared vulnerability as you move into an intimacy that cannot be mocked by any other couple. You fantasize the circumstances that bring you together, the revealing discussion, the feeling of his or her physical presence….. And then the screen rolls up, and the curtains close, and the lights are on. As though this were just a titillating fantasy, a temporary distraction, a moment to step away from a life filled with fears, failed expectations, and hurts that hold you prisoner, until the next time your inner truth calls to pay attention. What could be the conflicting intentions in this scenario? The intention to be free, In love (as in the place of love), in the moment, vulnerable, open, in receipt of gratitude, acknowledgement, shared joy, connection, belonging……in dispute with the intention to be in charge, in control, protection, independent, strong, safe, unsusceptible. And so we repeat, day after day, the same patterns of behaviors, nourished by the same belief systems and intentions, that have us sitting on this never ending Merry Go Round. What is there to do? As many but not all of these good men and women take on the courageous and unfamiliar journey, they unravel these intentions, one by one, and learn that “the ways of being” for one set of circumstances are not warranted for another. They learn to feel good about their vulnerability, learn to be rewarded for the same, and gain confidence in an untraditional outfit. They learn flexibility with their “beingness”, one step at a time, gaining trust and confidence in themselves and their ability to discern between “real” threat or danger and “perceived” threat and danger. They discover which risks will have them arrive at the destination of their desires. They also learn how to honor and own their individual process, their new and successful roadmap to life. What can I do to help you through your own “desires” journey? To connect your outer reality with your inner reality……where your outer world is an expression of your deepest self…..not unlike a canvass that is externally transformed from the inner expressions of an artist? I invite you to join me in a discussion of your unique journey…..if you are interested in discovering how to make this path yours. You can email me here, or schedule a call by clicking on this link: https://live.vcita.com/site/74uutihfhnvmlcer/online-scheduling?service=9wnnz9vzylvkb7lj In the meantime, stay true to yourself, to your inner truth, to your deepest desires and self. Namaste, 
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 It is one of those nights Where the demons fly in And the lit end of a cigarette Against bare skin Seems somehow Less a sin Than giving in To the promises The lies The whispers The cries Beneath their disguise Where reminders of an oath Spoken A life time ago Feels as near as Yesterday To scream so loud Still There is one You remember You wish to make to make proud So you cover your ears Against your own Despair take that next breath and…. The poem of a beautiful heart, a beautiful soul. This deep feeling deep loving of a woman, who wishes to remain anonymous, graces me with her poems on occasion, poems of hope, despair, anger, hurt, suffering, wondering, pining, wishing, wanting.......  We all have a way in which we process our emotions, our experiences of life. Poetry is one way to reach deep into our soul and retrieve its’ stirrings, its whispers, its hunger for growth, evolution, revolution, transmutation…..change. The Spoken Word is this woman's gift, and with this gift given freely to others, we all get to resonate powerfully together. In my reading, or listening of this poem, there is a testament to the depth and weight of the pain experienced. There is testament to the promises we make to others, the grips of loyalty once declared, and the struggle to break free of this promise when it no longer serves us. There also seems to be a battle within, the parts of ourselves in combat…..our ego needs to stand in the safe familiar……. in conflict with our souls desire for transformation.  We grow up, but we were once very little, tender, benevolent, curious, open and vulnerable little beings of love and light.  Programmed resiliency and thirst for survival provided us with the ability to adapt to any given environment, any given circumstance. The more rigid our adaptive strategies, the more difficult our experience of life circumstances. But here is the trick, you are extraordinarily and breathtakingly adaptive, you have what it takes to survive anything. And you already have. As my lovely friend above ends her poem…” take that next breath, and……”. You fill in the blank. Notice as you move back into the familiar as we all do, the discomfort that follows, the mind chatter that whirls through your head begging and pleading with you to have a fresh new look, to take a new unchartered path, to reach out when the past has told you “don’t you dare”. Listen to that beautiful soul of yours. Mr. James Hollis, one of my favorite soul whisperers, gives us the questions to ask this discomfort, the soul’s protests to leading a life of constricted habit and pattern.
He further and so eloquently expresses…. "Given that the most powerful and the least considered messages"....(our beliefs)...."derive from our earliest experiences of safety, peril and adaptive instruction, whenever they are activated in our psychic life, they have the power to usurp consciousness, take over and execute their archaic programs. The most powerful of these messages derive from our earliest relationships and tend to accumulate as a series of reflexive responses to the stimuli of life.  While they were once phenomenological, namely experiential and not conscious, over time they become “institutionalized” responses to the tasks, troubles and turbulence of the world. No wonder we have patterns. Letting go of them proves the most difficult of our tasks because they once were, and sometimes remain, tied to our survival, our fitting in, our acceptance of others. Old loyalties, old understandings, old commitments may very well have bound our days together in predictable ways, but these same constructs can also bind us to a disabling past or a limiting view of others. The nature of our psyche is based on change, growth, curiosity and imagination. But there are very conservative elements within us that retain a commitment to the known, the familiar, even when it is based on constrictive perspectives". And lastly….. “Only with this sort of respect fo the dialogue with the psyche can we begin to leave the old behind. Much in our history is worthy of carrying forward, and much is not. Just as we periodically clean the house, go through old clothes and fashions and discard the no longer germane, so we have to go through our accumulated histories, our driving attitudes, reflexes and responses, and discard what is no longer useful, productive, relevant, or serving growth. As St. Paul writes in his Letter to the Corinthians, when we become adults, it is time to put away childish things. Only then may we lay claim to our cooperative journeys into that unknown, which is asking us to be brave, thoughtful and courageous. Growing up is an uneasy, uncomfortable, and disquieting process, but with self understanding, self compassion, and self forgiveness…..we take notice of others on this collective journey, are comforted by this beautiful shared trip we are on, all the while getting to live lives that are a true expression of our soul’s aspirations and knowings.  When we interrupt our old patterns, a new process is possible, a new strategy can take place of the old, creating freedom, choice, a cultivation of our soul imaginings and intended lives. Please give a lovingly solid salute to your soul today. Watch her solute you back!! With love,   Have you ever had a rush of emotion show up, out of the blue, randomly…. that had you question what the heck was going on?  Totally caught by surprise, you are paying attention to the emotion…..it might be telling you “run as fast as you can”, “Im not ready for this”, “Im not allowed to feel this for him (her)”, “I can’t do this”, and alternatively……you may be feeling something you view as extremely positive but are unaware of why you are feeling it and are puzzled or troubled by it.  There are some emotions we just don't want to feel....or perhaps if you are comfortable with a whole range of emotions.....there may be ones that you may not want to feel at this particular time. “Im too busy right now”…..”I don’t want to feel this attraction”…..”I need to be clear and grounded right now”..”Im tired of personal growth”….”I’m just too tired”…..… Why are you feeling this? Why now? What’s it trying to tell you? What messages is it whispering to you….or perhaps, screaming for your attention and response.  One client, extroverted, gregarious, someone people rely on to keep the energy high and lively…..found himself panicked on his drive to an event that historically was a cake walk. Completely caught off guard, and feeling powerless to de-escalate the emotion, he stopped at a nearby parking lot. He used the techniques he learned in our session to de-escalate the emotion, just enough to take the edge off…..so he could be with his whole self, not just the self that moved into survival mode. This is what he learned……. He had been having strong connecting moments with the lead speaker in his program. He felt mentored by her, taken under her wing, seen and acknowledged for his gifts. The lead speaker had a special place for him and nurtured his dreams to become a star in the world of public speaking. Unbeknownst to him, he discovered that he was attracted her…..and today…..he would be leading the group. “Why the heck am I feeling this now?”, he said to himself. He didn’t want to disappoint her, he didn’t want to fall off the pedestal he felt he earned through his ambition, focus, dedicated time and energy. And.....he didn't want her acknowledgement and mentorship to stop. He felt finally seen and supported. Today, the lead speaker would be seeing him in a whole new light, in his mind. She would see the vulnerable side of him, the side that questions himself, questions whether he truly is made of the Star Speaker material the both of them have been working toward. His bar around excellence was unattainably high…..the one that says “You make one mistake and you are finished”. The one that says “I am not allowed to make ANY mistakes, Im not allowed to falter, stammer, appear as though I don’t know what I am doing “. This gentleman went to the event, led the group, questioned himself at times silently, privately, watched and observed peoples responses to his leadership. The Lead Speaker approached him at the end of the event, looked at him in the eye, took his hand and said “Im so proud of you. This wasn’t easy, not many people would step into this role, but you did it and I’m proud of you”.  "I was like a deer in headlights", he said as he was surprised by her response and acknowledgement. What took place after this event, was a great discussion in our session together about the message of this significant turning point in his life. He understood that when he is just being himself, he shines. When he steps outside of his body, disconnects from himself and the people in the group, he misses the mark. To be fully engaged and vulnerable is the winning solution. He discovered the freedom and power that comes from being fully and completely himself. And it’s gorgeously delicious and addictive. We are often taught while growing up, through direct or indirect messaging, that being ourselves just doesn’t fully cut it. We watch people, observe, perhaps study people, and make up conclusions about what makes one successful, popular, a teacher’s pet, desirable……and we conclude that either we need to contort ourselves to be ‘that’ and suffer a painful sentence, or conclude that we are not ‘that’ and perhaps pull away. For sure there are those that find their pack as they are, and thank goodness for those of us that did not fit into any of the traditional cliques…..but the high pressure prescriptions are hugely strong and forceful. Our young and impressionable minds believe what the powers that be say….or alternatively reject it. Either way, we are left with the question and perhaps the quest of believing that we are in fact good enough, if not magnificent, as we are. A suggestion, whether you love yourself or you don’t…. Take some time and examine...
Then take some time and assess this person….
Today, a man in my office discovered that who he has been in his 82 years of life, as lonely as he feels at the moment, and unsure if he will ever attract another female companion into his life, that he is a good, kind, loving, caring, gentle man and that his actions have been largely in line with that. He shed some tears, some good, comforting and most importantly knowing tears that provided him with the freedom to be himself and to stop trying to change..... to get what he wants. We are never too young and we are never too old to know and fully love thyself. I’d love to hear your answers {!firstname_fix} ….and any questions you might have. With love and kindness,  Can you help me with something? You know…Im good one on one….but when it comes to larger groups, I just have a lot of trouble. Im not sure if it’ social anxiety???……….  Following my weekly writing workshop class, ‘Journaling For The Self’…….a group of us routinely walk out to our cars together and share our thoughts and feelings about the class. The workshop is an intimate one, as you can imagine by the title. It, amongst other intentions, is to help one create intimacy with oneself……to really get to know oneself, resolve old conflicts, unfinished business, work out internal conflicts, map out one’s vision, acknowledge one’s gains and accomplishments, etc. People who came to learn more about the benefits of journaling and writing in general, have come to form a close bond as they share some of the intimate details of their lives in class. Something we don’t intuitively do early on in larger groups. The feeling is alive, warm, secure and comforting. One of the participants, a bright, friendly, bubbly and very sociable kind woman asked me the above question, while standing outside of our cars. I like this woman, as she is authentic, a deep thinker and feeler, passionate, humorous, amongst many other things. And here is some of what was shared……. You know…….that has been part of my personal path. And what I am finding at this stage in my life, is that I have had enough of hiding…..it’s exhausting. I just think when you have this huge bubble inside of you that is wanting to burst with ideas, passions, wisdom, sharing, love, inspiration, song, poetry, connection……you get to a point where you are ready to be free, relinquished, flying, floating, whatever the resonating expression is for you. Sure it takes something to rewire the programming…..courage, faith in yourself and humanity, letting go of fears, old beliefs, sometimes a bit of a fight……but all of this is available to each and everyone of us, why not take full granted of this opportunity to be all that you know and don’t know yourself to be. I remember an old coach of mine telling me.....'Lillian, you are a sunflower trying to be a daisy'. It was damn painful playing small.  My writing colleague identified with this space, with this feeling. And it has been my experience of late, in my therapy and coaching practice, that many people are now ready to create this kind of freedom for themselves. Most interestingly, as some higher force might have it, when you are open to receiving, 'the things we are open to is a comin’'. I have had quite a few new clients come into my practice recently…..looking for this type of freedom. And not surprisingly, today……my sister posted something she found on facebook, something I think you will really enjoy, and it sounds like this……. There is no fight left in her. And thats the best thing that ever happened for her. For far too long the futile battle of light and dark has left her exhausted. She’s accepting both light and dark as the inherent gifts of the universe. She’s not in a duelling match with them. The light no longer wishes to ‘reform’ her dark, and her dark no longer wants to ‘control’ the light. Suddenly, she’s not playing the polarity game. She’s not fooled into buying the teaching that there’s something wrong with her that needs fixing, and she’s got work to do before she’s finally ‘good’. Her divinity is in fully embracing her humanity. All of it. So where’s the imperfection? The myth that one day light will vanquish the dark and there will be peace… would have kept her exhausted and imprisoned. She’s already at peace right now! Even the light and dark within her are sitting at peace with each other. Game over. What she’s experiencing in the ceasing of war is an unbelievable tranquility and peace. Thank goodness she believed in her own wisdom - Sukhvinder Sircar So sometimes we have themes in our lives, and it takes reflection at times to notice what the themes are. What practices do you have in place to notice recent themes, recurring messages, invitations….. May I suggest something? One of our journaling exercises was to write a ‘List of 100’. We all have lists…..To Do Lists, Shopping Lists, Payment List, Bucket List…….. It helps to clarify, itemize, gather and notice…..when you want to find out what’s going on beneath the surface of an issue and it’s ok to let yourself repeat and then write the next thing that pops up. Some ideas:
In class I chose wherever my eyes rested and focused on the list of topics…..Things I Once Feared that I No Longer Fear. I surprised myself and wrote down 87 items…..repeating only one item twice. I would never have guessed I could come up with as many……and I imagine perhaps you might think this as well. What a great feeling to know that I have pushed through this many fears. Give it a try…..see what come up, acknowledge yourself for getting your reluctance, your resistance out of the way and sitting with your yummy self for a cup of tea or coffee. As usual I'd love to hear what has shown up for you, what you have noticed, what themes you are now awake to…. With love,  “Im just feeling sad, realizing that all this time, I have actually allowed myself to be in this place for a whole decade”  A courageous admission from a group participant I am co-coaching. The program has just started, we are in our third week….and like clockwork, the nature of being involved in any growth program that promises a shift in our lives…..calls up resistance, anger, sadness and the like……to be dealt with. As we address what comes up….we start disarming the barriers we have in place to the life we want for ourselves. And this is the key…..addressing the walls that have been built throughout our lifetime to protect us, but simultaneously preventing the very thing we pine for. She has been resisting this emotion, keeping herself busy…..”It’s thankfully been so busy at work that I haven’t lost myself in it”….she says. A common and understandable fear. “But I am bringing this to you to tell me what to do with it”. She is clearly sad, recognizing that she has been denying herself, unconsciously, the very thing that she has been craving, working towards, dreaming about. Our beautiful minds create these tensions……this conflict……for a purpose. Part of you wants to stay safe, and why not? Who would walk into a fire knowing it will hurt and scar them? Simple cause and effect. Walk into the fire, get burned!!! Can you relate to this? But did you know that you developed this belief when you were under the age of 8 years? Hard to believe, but we actually create a road map for life by the time we are 8 years old. But if you give it some thought…….8 years involves many new experiences. And if we don’t share our experiences, or if we don’t have the guidance necessary to navigate through our emotional terrain…..then we are left to our own devices to come up with guidelines around our self conduct in relationship to the world. And to be fair, even in the best of upbringings…..our parents cannot possibly know all that is going on within us…all the beliefs we are forming….and it is barely within our awareness that we are creating these beliefs in the first place. Another woman shares about her resistance to doing the homework assigned in the program. When asked what the resistance is about, she shares “I wont’ be able to be who I am if I open myself up to a relationship”. A relationship is what is on her particular radar at this time in her life.  Afraid of change, afraid of not knowing what it will entail, perhaps an experience of being unaware of what she gave up in the past to be in a relationship ( having the awareness only after the fact), and…..a belief that no man will fully accept her for all that she is…..this self-protective part of her brain is rightly saying……don’t go there!!!!! However, the conflict is in our biological pre-programming to be attached, connected, loved, adored, supported, cared for……. We begin this attachment, this programming.....the moment we come out of the womb…if not before. Without this attachment, safety and survival are impossible.  This lovely woman wants what attachment and connection promises without the growing pains of deepening intimacy….both with herself and with the potential partner. Logical.....no one wants the pain. In a perfect world….that would be great wouldn’t it? Perhaps. It would save us from the suffering we have experienced. But I would like to offer here that without any sort of suffering….whether it’s just in the knowledge that we want something we don’t have.....to the other end of the spectrum…..we would know very little about ourselves, and have very little personal intimacy. Without that…..we don’t get to experience the joy of knowing all that we offer, loving who we are, loving our lives….the people and circumstances within it.  How much would you like that kind of joy in your life? Shifting and transforming are amongst the most delicious rights of passage we are gifted here, what are you doing to completely capitalize on this opportunity offered to you? What are the joys you have gotten to experience along the way? I would love to hear……transformation is delicious!!!  |
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