When we think we have been hurt by someone in the past, we build up defences to protect ourselves from being hurt in the future. So the fearful past causes a fearful future and the past and future become one. We cannot love when we feel fear…..When we release the fearful past and forgive everyone, we will experience total love and oneness with all. – Gerald G. Jampolsky A quote sent to me in November. As clients face the challenge of a less than desired connection in their relationships, with partners, parents, children…..the fear of moving forward in their careers, face the insecurities of releasing old patterns, ie. eating disorders, addictions, pleasing others…..we are able to look into the judgements they made about the world and themselves, the opinions they formed about the same, and a decision they subsequently came to. All this directed their lives to their current challenges. In my mind, the current life challenge is a pretty unique and special invitation to review the opinions, judgements and decisions they made as children to make sense of the world. Their current life challenge is no longer supported by their learned ways of coping. When we are children, we are constantly using our sensory antennae, ie. hearing, seeing, feeling, tasting, smelling and….intuition, to make sense of the world. However, our minds are not as developed and complex as they are when we are grown up. We don’t have access to all the available data – information – that could explain any particular event or experience, just a very simplistic cause and effect understanding. Let’s take the example of childhood upbringing. Cause and effect thinking of it might look like “when i do this, what happens is that”. So, perhaps, “when I express my needs (complain), I get punished” (yelled at, ignored, withdrawn from). This is the judgement the child made. The opinion then possibly formed is that “it is dangerous to, or it hurts to express my needs”, “it is not safe to express my needs”, “I am afraid to express my needs”. We then come to a decision about this whole process, over repetitive conditioning, to stop expressing our needs in relationship. As adults, in forming or maintaining relationships, we might come to counselling or a friend, feeling that our needs are not being met, feeling we want too much, we “are” too much, or complain about our partners being selfish with their time, ie. going out, indulging in fun activities, all the while feeling and building resentments that they have a better or easier life than us, or feeling abandoned, or that we have more responsibilities than them while they are out playing. (Playing by the way is a very necessary activity in childhood AND adulthood; however their forms may be different). Arguments ensue, or silence develops, the distance widens, connecting becomes more and more difficult, and we feel powerless to make changes. We experience anger, frustration, hurt, abandonment, loneliness, powerlessness and victimhood. So….in realizing and perhaps placing faith in this process, if we can trace back the decisions we made that have directed our life choices to our present circumstances we have the power to understand what might have given that originating experience the meaning we gave it as a child. (when I express my feelings I am punished, asking too much….) Cause and effect. With our adult minds, we can understand that the reactions of others to our complaints as children, might have meant something else, ie. They are tired and depleted, they are overwhelmed, don’t know how to respond….. and free ourselves from the belief that when we express our feelings, bad things will happen. We are now free to learn new and healthy adult ways to express our needs, that don’t blame, point fingers, corner or land as ultimatums. Now our needs can be heard and responded to in equally healthy ways. As we exercise this new approach to understanding ourselves and the world, with compassion instead of judgment, we are open to new meanings, find the appropriate action, and exercise power over our lives. The anger, loneliness or frustration lifts, we are lighter, optimistic and can move forward in any area of our lives we choose, by following some very simple steps.
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