 "I just have a hard time being assertive". I heard these words from the client's mouth, while conducting a quality review of my colleague, in a side, grass-roots contract I have maintained after 26 years in this field. He was discussing his overwhelm with all the support he currently receives from the community. He is juggling between visits to hospital and doctors, and the appointments that bring support people into his home. He stated "I have to drive to an appointment and then rush back home to meet with a professional, then go back out.........” When I told him that he has the option to tell home visitors that a particular time does not work for him, or to protect a day or two out of the week so that he can complete activities of daily living, such as shopping and banking, the above statement was the hard held belief about himself, allowing for an overwhelming and stressful schedule as he recovers from cancer treatment. All this to say that boundaries are paramount to our happiness. We must know our limits, our personality, or likes and dislikes, our rhythm - need for downtime and uptime, our optimal time of day for work and rest…….to have a life that supports our needs, our desires, and our true nature. Displeasing others, fear that others will disappear……that we will find ourselves unsupported and alone, are commonly held fears. They are there to ensure that we do what we need to do…… to be supported and surrounded by caring and loving folk, especially during tough times, such as the above gentleman’s trials with cancer. However, confidence in your value allows you to approach and express your needs, with the stand that these people will also be flexible and elastic…..at least just enough….. to work out an arrangement that supports you and them. Whether you are dealing with a health issue, creating a relationship on your terms as well as theirs, work/life balance…..whatever your issue, clear boundaries support your well being, your confidence, your self esteem and sense of control over your life. After offering to this gentleman an easier step in expressing his needs, ie. “Can this date and time work instead?”, he was able to consider a possibility.......to have control over his schedule, tasks and overwhelm. Because he was counter-offering, and doing so in the positive, he felt he was taking action toward making something work for himself and the other. This dod not trigger his background beliefs that he was just being difficult, or demanding, or a pain, and therefore didn't eel he was risking abandonment. It was a small step, and with the results of accommodating professionals, he was able to discover the confidence he never felt he had. With the added feedback of his worthiness, he looks forward to asking for more of what he needs and wants. When looking to set clear boundaries in our relationships, it not only helps to ask for what we need, but also to do it in such a way that it aligns with our values around relationships. It helps to look for what’s in the background, gripping us from asking for what we need. Is that belief true or real? What smaller steps can we take if its too threatening to take the full leap? What smaller thing can we ask for that will give us the confidence to ask for more? There is a place and a space for all that you need and want. Desire it and let your truth sit in the drivers seat. With love and all the support in the world, 
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  ,I have already prepared your lunch for you, you have helped me so much, and my life is going to be so much easier because you came into it. You know, when you are retiring, you have to be smart about your money, you have to save here to have that, and save there to have this. Money, luxuries and comforts don’t come as easy in old age and you have to be careful. I have had the good fortune to walk into and through the worlds of thousands of people, if only for a few sessions or at times, year(s). Every and each one of these people have a story, have a perspective nurtured by their life experience and the lenses they wear through which they filter these experiences. Their culture, spiritual practice, community, family, economic background, to name a few, are responsible for these filters. For some it’s their transiency or stability of geographical location, perhaps they have never left their home town, or are world travelers. Either way, we have filters that delete some of the information from our experiences, distort some and also lead to grand generalizations about people, events, the world, work, the accumulation of wealth, etc. The above was what a client told me one recent day, a woman of East Indian descent,whose home always welcomes me with the exotic aromas of Indian cuisine. On this day, she prepared a traditional meal for my travels, as that day was a day of sessions with those who are unable to leave their homes for one reason or another. She shows her gratitude with her exquisite flare for the culinary….. I receive and hold her sentiment of gratitude as I savor the love and care she puts into the meal’s preparations. A lovely loop of give and receive, gratitude and joy. What I became keenly aware of, was the worlds within the larger world we live in. Her truth was that life is hard, that you have to work hard to live, to make things possible, to have what you want. My thought at the time was “Manifesting your desired old age makes life easy and enjoyable”. When I heard my thought, I became aware of the old adage “what you focus on, grows”. As I sit outside on my porch from time to time, I notice one family who struggles with relationships in their household, are often found cleaning and beautifying their home, cars, tools, and often find themselves disappointed, disillusioned, raising their voices at one another, and often walking away from old and unfinished arguments. There is another cheerful and positive family next door who have focused their intention for summer time freedom….both adults of two young children, creating a career and business that allow them to leave for their recently bought cottage…. all summer long. Lastly, the young 26 year old of Indigenous descent who recently organized a first meeting with her extended native family…..finding her passion, her gift, and her purpose in raising awareness through her research, about what its like to grow up self proclaimed indigenous, but not being accepted or taken seriously by her tribe, because she doesn’t look the part. What once was a missing in her life, is suddenly manifesting because of her desire for it and the actions she is taking. All of these results are available to us because we focus on them. How do we shift our focus from that which we don’t want to what we do want? How do we create this as a practice? What’s in the way? What actions are necessary to bring these desires to fruition?
These are the beginning steps, the foundation, to allow you to witness all the information you have filtered out of your experiences, adding pieces to the unfinished puzzle, if you will, that have you complete what is uncompleted, to have the whole picture before you, the missing information that allows you to take the next steps. This has been a practice in my own life, and is where I take others in my therapy and coaching business. Not one of these clients will tell you that they would have gone to the discomfort that leads to their breatkthrough, on their own. But they will tell you that being gently pushed, supported and guided through the discomfort was the place where they reconnected with their partners, where they discovered their own truth about their sexual orientation, or realized that their fear of being abandoned drove them to lower their bar on acceptance of ill treatment……and subsequently found their value. Our desires, if remaining desires, will only manifest when we are willing to sit with the discomfort that is blocking their expression, and then follow by taking action. If you would like a partner in your exploration, click here to set up a half hour strategy call and we can talk about how I can help you shift your desire to your living truth. You are worth it, we are all worth it!! With love,   Listening to a meditation today…..on the Energy of Attraction, I heard some wonderfully meaningful messages, not necessarily new, nor unknown. But sometimes hearing it from someone else, or in a voice that resonates, you feel the power of it in a way you never heard before. Is there a voice that settles you, that has you feel calm, grounded in your truth, at peace, in love, loved……who is this voice? Who possesses it? Why do the words that roll off their lips, or inscribe their books, vibrate in alignment with your pulsations? Do you feel safe, coddled….in its presence? Are there sights or memories that have the same effect…. The messages today were…..
And in so many words……. Frustrated desire leads to disappointment, fatigue, apathy, loss of faith in life, powerlessness, a sense of unworthiness, and so on........ Deepak speaks about how some of us feel guilty for wanting what we want, as though we don’t deserve it, should be ashamed of it, who are we to want this, who are we to think that we can get this, what makes us so special…..and…..what is so threatening? Many of us shut down quite quickly after the desire arises, be it for a mate, freedom from employment, selling everything and stepping into the unknown and new…..and for reasons that we don’t often take the time to realize. I have spoken to both men and women in my office about their desires, their dreams and wishes, and tears begin to roll down their faces as they connect to their desires. Often, they will attempt to fluff it off, diminish it into “child’s play”, or begin with a slew of reasons and justifications. This is a much more comfortable place, than it is to sit in desire. Why do we have such a hard time sitting in desire? Sitting in its passions, hunger, vulnerability, and depth? What are we afraid of? For some it is the pain of unrealized dreams, for others……the people they will let down in its pursuit, and yet for others it may be the judgment (fear of alienation and abandonment) they project into their worlds and their future. There are other reasons of course…..each of us know what they are if we sit there long enough. When these men and women trust that they will not lose control over their lives, that they are safe even if only for an hour, to open their inner screen and allow themselves to fully bear witness to their inner truths……they become familiar not only with their desires, but as well, with their conflicting intentions. And with this familiarity comes the deeper knowing of their way, their direction, their answers. Here is a quick example, You desire to find your soul mate. The desire runs deep. You visualize the connection, the closeness, the shared vulnerability as you move into an intimacy that cannot be mocked by any other couple. You fantasize the circumstances that bring you together, the revealing discussion, the feeling of his or her physical presence….. And then the screen rolls up, and the curtains close, and the lights are on. As though this were just a titillating fantasy, a temporary distraction, a moment to step away from a life filled with fears, failed expectations, and hurts that hold you prisoner, until the next time your inner truth calls to pay attention. What could be the conflicting intentions in this scenario? The intention to be free, In love (as in the place of love), in the moment, vulnerable, open, in receipt of gratitude, acknowledgement, shared joy, connection, belonging……in dispute with the intention to be in charge, in control, protection, independent, strong, safe, unsusceptible. And so we repeat, day after day, the same patterns of behaviors, nourished by the same belief systems and intentions, that have us sitting on this never ending Merry Go Round. What is there to do? As many but not all of these good men and women take on the courageous and unfamiliar journey, they unravel these intentions, one by one, and learn that “the ways of being” for one set of circumstances are not warranted for another. They learn to feel good about their vulnerability, learn to be rewarded for the same, and gain confidence in an untraditional outfit. They learn flexibility with their “beingness”, one step at a time, gaining trust and confidence in themselves and their ability to discern between “real” threat or danger and “perceived” threat and danger. They discover which risks will have them arrive at the destination of their desires. They also learn how to honor and own their individual process, their new and successful roadmap to life. What can I do to help you through your own “desires” journey? To connect your outer reality with your inner reality……where your outer world is an expression of your deepest self…..not unlike a canvass that is externally transformed from the inner expressions of an artist? I invite you to join me in a discussion of your unique journey…..if you are interested in discovering how to make this path yours. You can email me here, or schedule a call by clicking on this link: https://live.vcita.com/site/74uutihfhnvmlcer/online-scheduling?service=9wnnz9vzylvkb7lj In the meantime, stay true to yourself, to your inner truth, to your deepest desires and self. Namaste,   It is one of those nights Where the demons fly in And the lit end of a cigarette Against bare skin Seems somehow Less a sin Than giving in To the promises The lies The whispers The cries Beneath their disguise Where reminders of an oath Spoken A life time ago Feels as near as Yesterday To scream so loud Still There is one You remember You wish to make to make proud So you cover your ears Against your own Despair take that next breath and…. The poem of a beautiful heart, a beautiful soul. This deep feeling deep loving of a woman, who wishes to remain anonymous, graces me with her poems on occasion, poems of hope, despair, anger, hurt, suffering, wondering, pining, wishing, wanting.......  We all have a way in which we process our emotions, our experiences of life. Poetry is one way to reach deep into our soul and retrieve its’ stirrings, its whispers, its hunger for growth, evolution, revolution, transmutation…..change. The Spoken Word is this woman's gift, and with this gift given freely to others, we all get to resonate powerfully together. In my reading, or listening of this poem, there is a testament to the depth and weight of the pain experienced. There is testament to the promises we make to others, the grips of loyalty once declared, and the struggle to break free of this promise when it no longer serves us. There also seems to be a battle within, the parts of ourselves in combat…..our ego needs to stand in the safe familiar……. in conflict with our souls desire for transformation.  We grow up, but we were once very little, tender, benevolent, curious, open and vulnerable little beings of love and light.  Programmed resiliency and thirst for survival provided us with the ability to adapt to any given environment, any given circumstance. The more rigid our adaptive strategies, the more difficult our experience of life circumstances. But here is the trick, you are extraordinarily and breathtakingly adaptive, you have what it takes to survive anything. And you already have. As my lovely friend above ends her poem…” take that next breath, and……”. You fill in the blank. Notice as you move back into the familiar as we all do, the discomfort that follows, the mind chatter that whirls through your head begging and pleading with you to have a fresh new look, to take a new unchartered path, to reach out when the past has told you “don’t you dare”. Listen to that beautiful soul of yours. Mr. James Hollis, one of my favorite soul whisperers, gives us the questions to ask this discomfort, the soul’s protests to leading a life of constricted habit and pattern.
He further and so eloquently expresses…. "Given that the most powerful and the least considered messages"....(our beliefs)...."derive from our earliest experiences of safety, peril and adaptive instruction, whenever they are activated in our psychic life, they have the power to usurp consciousness, take over and execute their archaic programs. The most powerful of these messages derive from our earliest relationships and tend to accumulate as a series of reflexive responses to the stimuli of life.  While they were once phenomenological, namely experiential and not conscious, over time they become “institutionalized” responses to the tasks, troubles and turbulence of the world. No wonder we have patterns. Letting go of them proves the most difficult of our tasks because they once were, and sometimes remain, tied to our survival, our fitting in, our acceptance of others. Old loyalties, old understandings, old commitments may very well have bound our days together in predictable ways, but these same constructs can also bind us to a disabling past or a limiting view of others. The nature of our psyche is based on change, growth, curiosity and imagination. But there are very conservative elements within us that retain a commitment to the known, the familiar, even when it is based on constrictive perspectives". And lastly….. “Only with this sort of respect fo the dialogue with the psyche can we begin to leave the old behind. Much in our history is worthy of carrying forward, and much is not. Just as we periodically clean the house, go through old clothes and fashions and discard the no longer germane, so we have to go through our accumulated histories, our driving attitudes, reflexes and responses, and discard what is no longer useful, productive, relevant, or serving growth. As St. Paul writes in his Letter to the Corinthians, when we become adults, it is time to put away childish things. Only then may we lay claim to our cooperative journeys into that unknown, which is asking us to be brave, thoughtful and courageous. Growing up is an uneasy, uncomfortable, and disquieting process, but with self understanding, self compassion, and self forgiveness…..we take notice of others on this collective journey, are comforted by this beautiful shared trip we are on, all the while getting to live lives that are a true expression of our soul’s aspirations and knowings.  When we interrupt our old patterns, a new process is possible, a new strategy can take place of the old, creating freedom, choice, a cultivation of our soul imaginings and intended lives. Please give a lovingly solid salute to your soul today. Watch her solute you back!! With love,   Have you ever had a rush of emotion show up, out of the blue, randomly…. that had you question what the heck was going on?  Totally caught by surprise, you are paying attention to the emotion…..it might be telling you “run as fast as you can”, “Im not ready for this”, “Im not allowed to feel this for him (her)”, “I can’t do this”, and alternatively……you may be feeling something you view as extremely positive but are unaware of why you are feeling it and are puzzled or troubled by it.  There are some emotions we just don't want to feel....or perhaps if you are comfortable with a whole range of emotions.....there may be ones that you may not want to feel at this particular time. “Im too busy right now”…..”I don’t want to feel this attraction”…..”I need to be clear and grounded right now”..”Im tired of personal growth”….”I’m just too tired”…..… Why are you feeling this? Why now? What’s it trying to tell you? What messages is it whispering to you….or perhaps, screaming for your attention and response.  One client, extroverted, gregarious, someone people rely on to keep the energy high and lively…..found himself panicked on his drive to an event that historically was a cake walk. Completely caught off guard, and feeling powerless to de-escalate the emotion, he stopped at a nearby parking lot. He used the techniques he learned in our session to de-escalate the emotion, just enough to take the edge off…..so he could be with his whole self, not just the self that moved into survival mode. This is what he learned……. He had been having strong connecting moments with the lead speaker in his program. He felt mentored by her, taken under her wing, seen and acknowledged for his gifts. The lead speaker had a special place for him and nurtured his dreams to become a star in the world of public speaking. Unbeknownst to him, he discovered that he was attracted her…..and today…..he would be leading the group. “Why the heck am I feeling this now?”, he said to himself. He didn’t want to disappoint her, he didn’t want to fall off the pedestal he felt he earned through his ambition, focus, dedicated time and energy. And.....he didn't want her acknowledgement and mentorship to stop. He felt finally seen and supported. Today, the lead speaker would be seeing him in a whole new light, in his mind. She would see the vulnerable side of him, the side that questions himself, questions whether he truly is made of the Star Speaker material the both of them have been working toward. His bar around excellence was unattainably high…..the one that says “You make one mistake and you are finished”. The one that says “I am not allowed to make ANY mistakes, Im not allowed to falter, stammer, appear as though I don’t know what I am doing “. This gentleman went to the event, led the group, questioned himself at times silently, privately, watched and observed peoples responses to his leadership. The Lead Speaker approached him at the end of the event, looked at him in the eye, took his hand and said “Im so proud of you. This wasn’t easy, not many people would step into this role, but you did it and I’m proud of you”.  "I was like a deer in headlights", he said as he was surprised by her response and acknowledgement. What took place after this event, was a great discussion in our session together about the message of this significant turning point in his life. He understood that when he is just being himself, he shines. When he steps outside of his body, disconnects from himself and the people in the group, he misses the mark. To be fully engaged and vulnerable is the winning solution. He discovered the freedom and power that comes from being fully and completely himself. And it’s gorgeously delicious and addictive. We are often taught while growing up, through direct or indirect messaging, that being ourselves just doesn’t fully cut it. We watch people, observe, perhaps study people, and make up conclusions about what makes one successful, popular, a teacher’s pet, desirable……and we conclude that either we need to contort ourselves to be ‘that’ and suffer a painful sentence, or conclude that we are not ‘that’ and perhaps pull away. For sure there are those that find their pack as they are, and thank goodness for those of us that did not fit into any of the traditional cliques…..but the high pressure prescriptions are hugely strong and forceful. Our young and impressionable minds believe what the powers that be say….or alternatively reject it. Either way, we are left with the question and perhaps the quest of believing that we are in fact good enough, if not magnificent, as we are. A suggestion, whether you love yourself or you don’t…. Take some time and examine...
Then take some time and assess this person….
Today, a man in my office discovered that who he has been in his 82 years of life, as lonely as he feels at the moment, and unsure if he will ever attract another female companion into his life, that he is a good, kind, loving, caring, gentle man and that his actions have been largely in line with that. He shed some tears, some good, comforting and most importantly knowing tears that provided him with the freedom to be himself and to stop trying to change..... to get what he wants. We are never too young and we are never too old to know and fully love thyself. I’d love to hear your answers {!firstname_fix} ….and any questions you might have. With love and kindness,  |
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