Attachment and the Unconscious Mind
“We’ve been programmed by evolution to single out a few specific individuals in our lives and make them precious to us. We’ve been bred to be dependent on a significant other. The need starts in the womb and ends when we die”. – Levine and Heller John Bowlby and Mary Ainsworth, founders of the Attachment Theory, proposed that genetic selection favored people who attached themselves to a significant other because it increased their chances of survival. Those that went it alone, more often became prey. “The more effectively dependent people are on one another, the more independent and daring they become”. – The Dependency Paradox. “People are only as needy, as their unmet needs.” –Levine and Heller In a culture that cheers “rugged individualism”, intimacy, closeness and especially dependency are often scorned, and the above quotes may then seem prehistoric. However, as we see below, historically, and perhaps evolutionarily, we have in fact created and capitalized on strong neurology that supports the quest for dependency, especially safe dependency. Our survival rate as babies or children would diminish greatly without this neurology. Levine and Heller purport that the brain has a biological mechanism called the “attachment system”; that this system is a combination of emotions and behaviours that have us stay safe and protected by remaining close to loved ones. Their three types of systems are “Anxious attachment”, “Avoidant attachment” and “Secure Attachment. “Protest Behaviour”, the behaviour you see when a young child becomes frantic in his search, when separated from their mother, or cries uncontrollably until contact is re-established, can still be seen in grown-ups. If you haven’t heard from the person you are dating you may become preoccupied with his or her whereabouts, when you haven’t connected with your life partner for some time, you may withhold affection or attention, when your teenager has been keeping you at arm’s length in the process of her individuation, you may become obsessively focused on re-establishing a connection. All these behaviours have one common goal, and that is to bring you closer to your attachment figure. The specific behaviours you use are connected to your “Attachment Style”, anxious or avoidant attachment for example. Neither of these are labeled healthy or unhealthy, nor are they deemed pathological, but simply a system you use to keep yourself safe in the world of intimacy. Understanding your style, and perhaps, their origins and purpose, gives you the understanding for why you and your loved ones do what you do. It also reframes the behaviours from negative to positive; as an attempt to connect or reconnect, and alternately, can demonstrate a fear of connection and intimacy or a need for separation/individuation. Either way, it’s a dance that moves in and out of intimacy, primarily motivated by our biological need to connect, be loved, be safe, also involving our fears that our needs will not be (or have not been) responded to. From literature on the unconscious mind, the part that occupies perhaps 80% of our brain, the part that is 60% more powerful than our conscious mind, that runs our bodies without us having to think about it, that allows us to focus on new learning while continuing to run our lives in – for the most part – a fluid manner, we learn that its’ primary directive is to keep us safe. If our unconscious mind, the part of our brain that stores memories, known or unknown to the conscious waking mind, senses potential danger, -- physical, emotional, psychological or otherwise, it often is triggered into survival mode, i.e. fight, flight or freeze. If intimacy has been troublesome, dangerous, or even inconsistent, unreliable or undependable for us, then our survival instinct does what it needs to do, to re-establish safety. Some of these actions serve to bring us back to safety and security with little growth, in other words we are safe but circumstances remain the same, some increase the potential for further danger, that is we find ourselves again and again in similar or increasingly dangerous circumstances, some re-establish security with growth, we get what we need with breakthroughs in our circumstances. When we understand that we are all very much similar in our needs,( we all have a conscious mind that is the linear, goal setter, methodical, rational... and an unconscious mind – the domain of our emotions, the irrational, the safety and security meter, the biological/physical/emotional/psychological regulator), and understand our unique and individual ways of getting our needs met, then there is the groundwork, or a meeting place for us to work on our relationships, be it romantic, blood, or friendship. And furthermore, we can enhance or develop a relationship to ourselves, in the ways we like others to relate to us.... respectfully, kindly, nurturing, responsive, etc. I always like to say that if our unconscious mind is in fact 80% of our mind, (as it does have to regulate our physiology, while storing years of learning, facts, experiences, thoughts, feelings, beliefs...etc,) then we want to be best friends with that powerful mechanism. When we think about how we might ideally treat a best friend, and reciprocally, how they would ideally treat us, then we may want to extend that same treatment to our unconscious mind. If we listen to it enough, even give it the message that it is valuable enough to be listened to, we might find out what it is trying to tell us about the parts of our lives that are not working as well as we would like them to. Additionally, it might also remind us of the parts that work fantastically. If intimacy and attachment are issues you are dealing with in your life, and or if it seems that you are feeling, doing, thinking or saying things that you seemingly have no control over, then ask yourself if now is the right time for you to walk below the surface of your life and explore and befriend the beautifully intricate terrain of your inner world.
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This post was originally intended to address Learning Disabilities. However, as I was writing this post, I realized that the information below in fact applies to any new learning as well. We all have specific ways of learning; we all come across attempts that don't give us the desired outcomes. Sometimes it is discovering the new successful behaviour, thought or belief and its repetitive application that gives us the successful outcome.
What does this label “learning disability,” mean? To so many with this label, and to those parents, siblings, friends….close to them, it means so many different things. The professional world uses this label to describe a process by which an individual has difficulty learning. Often these difficulties arise within the traditional educational settings for example, where information is delivered orally and taken in mainly through sight and sound. However, not all children, or adults, learn this way. Many children deemed learning disabled are kinaesthetic, that is to say, they learn physically. I have had children in my office who have demonstrated powerful learning through play, or art. Human beings are “learning machines”, as we are "meaning making machines". It is impossible for us not to learn; it is essential for our survival. Even if we resist learning something new, we are learning something through our resistance. Perhaps we fear what there is to learn and therefore we may learn that learning is fearful, or that we like learning in a particular way, or that learning that particular thing commits us to something we are not comfortable with. We are still learning, however it is understood or made to mean. There is no such thing as failure, there is only feedback. Funny how our language sets up one word or concept for opposites. The opposite of success is often voiced as failure, and not as any other possible option. The concept of “feedback” as an opposite to success sounds like this; if we don’t succeed at the desired outcome, there is information (feedback) that something we did, thought, and/or believed, that doesn’t fit into the paradigm of the desired outcome. If we look at this as failure, then we make it mean something flawed about ourselves, and we might not try again. However, if we curiously look at the “failure” as “feedback”, it now becomes the necessary information to support us in getting that outcome. Then we are empowered to change the behaviour, thought or belief, and we can get what we want. For example, we may try to peel an orange with a potato peeler, having observed someone use a peeler on a potato. After several attempts, we get tired and frustrated, and give up on peeling the orange. We don’t ever get the sweet juiciness of a ripe orange. We might give up if we see that as a personal failure. However, if we get curious about why that action, thought or belief about potato peelers didn’t work on the orange, we may try to use an alternate utensil, or ultimately, our fingers. Aha…..success. It is imperative to look at all life in this way if what we are after is empowerment in area we feel disempowered. All there is, is to learn the skills and obtain the resources we need to get what we want. If a child has what’s called a “learning disability”, “ADHD”, etcetera, then we can curiously observe for the circumstances that support their learning, the conditions under which they “forget” to not focus, the resources they have that they tend to lean on, and the resources they need to learn in particular settings. Then we can learn, and help them learn the behaviours, thoughts and beliefs they need to be successful in areas that challenge their natural way of learning. When we think we have been hurt by someone in the past, we build up defences to protect ourselves from being hurt in the future. So the fearful past causes a fearful future and the past and future become one. We cannot love when we feel fear…..When we release the fearful past and forgive everyone, we will experience total love and oneness with all. – Gerald G. Jampolsky A quote sent to me in November. As clients face the challenge of a less than desired connection in their relationships, with partners, parents, children…..the fear of moving forward in their careers, face the insecurities of releasing old patterns, ie. eating disorders, addictions, pleasing others…..we are able to look into the judgements they made about the world and themselves, the opinions they formed about the same, and a decision they subsequently came to. All this directed their lives to their current challenges. In my mind, the current life challenge is a pretty unique and special invitation to review the opinions, judgements and decisions they made as children to make sense of the world. Their current life challenge is no longer supported by their learned ways of coping. When we are children, we are constantly using our sensory antennae, ie. hearing, seeing, feeling, tasting, smelling and….intuition, to make sense of the world. However, our minds are not as developed and complex as they are when we are grown up. We don’t have access to all the available data – information – that could explain any particular event or experience, just a very simplistic cause and effect understanding. Let’s take the example of childhood upbringing. Cause and effect thinking of it might look like “when i do this, what happens is that”. So, perhaps, “when I express my needs (complain), I get punished” (yelled at, ignored, withdrawn from). This is the judgement the child made. The opinion then possibly formed is that “it is dangerous to, or it hurts to express my needs”, “it is not safe to express my needs”, “I am afraid to express my needs”. We then come to a decision about this whole process, over repetitive conditioning, to stop expressing our needs in relationship. As adults, in forming or maintaining relationships, we might come to counselling or a friend, feeling that our needs are not being met, feeling we want too much, we “are” too much, or complain about our partners being selfish with their time, ie. going out, indulging in fun activities, all the while feeling and building resentments that they have a better or easier life than us, or feeling abandoned, or that we have more responsibilities than them while they are out playing. (Playing by the way is a very necessary activity in childhood AND adulthood; however their forms may be different). Arguments ensue, or silence develops, the distance widens, connecting becomes more and more difficult, and we feel powerless to make changes. We experience anger, frustration, hurt, abandonment, loneliness, powerlessness and victimhood. So….in realizing and perhaps placing faith in this process, if we can trace back the decisions we made that have directed our life choices to our present circumstances we have the power to understand what might have given that originating experience the meaning we gave it as a child. (when I express my feelings I am punished, asking too much….) Cause and effect. With our adult minds, we can understand that the reactions of others to our complaints as children, might have meant something else, ie. They are tired and depleted, they are overwhelmed, don’t know how to respond….. and free ourselves from the belief that when we express our feelings, bad things will happen. We are now free to learn new and healthy adult ways to express our needs, that don’t blame, point fingers, corner or land as ultimatums. Now our needs can be heard and responded to in equally healthy ways. As we exercise this new approach to understanding ourselves and the world, with compassion instead of judgment, we are open to new meanings, find the appropriate action, and exercise power over our lives. The anger, loneliness or frustration lifts, we are lighter, optimistic and can move forward in any area of our lives we choose, by following some very simple steps. "Have you ever thought or wondered that perhaps we are given life's challenges so that we can learn how powerful we are in the face of them? Maybe these challenges are opportunities, in that, as we overcome the many hurdles involved in getting to the other side, we learn about ourselves in the process. When we know who we really are, then we also know what we are capable of becoming. That is powerful! Then we get to create the life that we want, and not just simply receive or react to what comes our way. This is key to self mastery.
The first step, however, is seeing that we are not just given a bad hand, or that we are unlucky or undeserving. It's because we are capable that we are given the gift of challenge, and by facing these problems we can gain the wisdom, self awareness, ease, and success that comes through these struggles. How does a child know what it feels like to have the wind run through their hair and against their skin, and to master their fear of bruises and scrapes if they don't keep getting back on that bike? Do we tell them that the fall, the scrape and bruise is a telltale sign that they are not meant for bike riding; that their fear of failure should stop them from mastering this skill? We tell them to not give up, to believe in themselves. We teach them that without knowing struggle, we can't know success, empowerment, and personal growth. Then, when we see the look of accomplishment and joy as they are finally able to stay on that bike for thirty seconds, we too experience that sense of accomplishment. We are proud, happy, and perhaps we celebrate. So it is my privilege and joy to encourage you back into the harder parts of your journey. This is all available to you with each challenge no matter how big or small, long or short. There is a saying: "There are those who see challenge in every opportunity, and then there are those who see opportunity in every challenge." I say there is a breakthrough waiting with every breakdown. What would life be like for you if you approached every challenge, every breakdown with eagerness for the opportunity to experience the breakthrough and the success on the other side?" Anxiety, like all other feeling states, has a purpose and function – to alert us to actual or perceived threat. It allows us to be prepared by anticipating such a threat. Imagine being confronted by a bear, and not having the physiological response appropriate to it (ie. rapid heart rate, reactive fear, etc). We need these responses to either take fight or flight for survival in these circumstances. However, anxiety may be present to “perceived” but not “actual” threat as well. Our bodies and minds respond in the exact same way, to a lesser or greater extent, as to “actual” threats. Worry about money, relationships, being alone, social settings, being a good parent, the health of a loved one, a new baby...can sometimes cause us to experience ongoing anxiety. There is a “perceived” or “imagined” threat - ie. I will not have enough money, I will not be a good enough parent, people will not like me. Our bodies and minds prepare for what we believe may be a negative outcome; so that, at the very least, we are uncomfortable and unable to relax. We may want to “fight”, “flee” or “freeze” from and in these circumstances. Understanding that we are fully and gloriously equipped with survival instincts, that they are intact, combined with not making “anxiety” bad or wrong; is the greatest step in understanding and accepting this feeling state. The next step is taking action. Examples could be: talking to someone you trust, physical activity to use up the stored and charged energy, meditation, yoga, tai chi, or talking to your doctor or therapist. Self management and self care further adds to your self worth and overall well being. If you would like my help managing your anxiety, or learning tips on self-management and care, I am available to support you at convenient hours during the day and evenings.
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